It's really weird...

Ok my dreams have had some really strange things lately. Who ever thought I would dream of playing Scrabble? WTF? This is my life. Whatever.

I dunno. It just seems very strange without my sister. Little things.
Like when the phone rings I always think it's Donna. Or when my parents are gone I think they are at her house. It's really weird. At least I don't have to hear her complain that I eat like a primate anymore :) Strange.
You know -- it's like I've been set alone to fend for myself -- to go on with life knowing that you no longer have someone looking over your shoulder. Bad analogy, but you get my point. My sister was like, the first person I could talk to if I had any problems and now -- it's like I sorta have to either solve them myself or look elsewhere. I really don't know what that means, but anyways...

It's like a part of you (or your life) that's missing after knowing it for so long. The last time something like that happened was when I moved away from the trailor in Sandusky 7 years ago. You still think about it all the time. You still remember all the great times and memories. You still have dreams of the past, and how much different it was back then. It was good.
It was bad. But it was a part of your life. And no one can change that.

I guess the toughest part to understand is how full of life my sister was just a few months ago. Actually, up until the last couple weeks you would never know she had any problems whatsoever. It all happened so fast. It's like I don't even realize what just happened. But I did...it's very sad but we move on.

I can go on and on and on explaining all the great things my sister did for me, and how much she impacted my life...but I don't think I really need to go into many details. I just sorta want to let everyone know that it really feels weird sometimes. I'm over the grief and mourning but there's always gonna be a part of me that's missing. Not missing, but... what's the word -- retired, or something like that. You can always think about it but can never go back. Although I really really want to get that old trailor back when I get older :)