More Current E-ZA News

Hey, maybe now I can write this stuff on a consistent pace. But I would
like to first welcome everyone to the best publication since the New
York Times! The E-ZA weekly is now the official sponsor of Chris's
Palace!

If you haven't the slightest clue of what I just meant, I commend you,
for I really don't know either. Now, on to the top story.

ZA Fest this Sunday at 4:00 p.m.!!! Join the ZA bunch for a day of fun
& za, and maybe some music, prizes, alligators, wormholes and more!
Yes, that's right...come one, come all to the event of the week! Mark
your calendars! Geez, have pity on me, ok? Just come!
As always, the HalloZA fest was very successful, with good attendance
(although Geoff mysteriously disappeared for about 2 hours) and stuff
like that. Doom was the name of the game thursday, with Nally crunching
bones and winning a prize to be announced this Sunday! Alex had his
mind set on playing Quake and didn't get a chance...oh well, Balex, eat
$hit! Eat my $hit! Just kidding there, the ZA Shack bylaws prevent me
from taunting or use of any disparaging remarks on the e-za Weekly.

Other news:
-ZA ate ZA...a lot of ZA at the ZA Fest.
-Balex's name has been changed to Dialex
-Joegag busted the entire computer system down at his school (that's
what you said, didn't you?)
-ZA continues to sell Viagra
-Jen B. will be wed to her hubby next year...yummy yum yum!
-Jen B. has been brainwashed beyond belief by her hubby
-Jen B. will vanish into another dimension sometime later this season
-Eddie has eaten his 1,000,000th sugar packet! Congrats, you win a
prize!!!
-Lisa gets an award for never being home when I call...
-ZA gets an award for being online whenever anyone tries to call!
-Chris K. likes bars (just kidding, again)
-Geoff falls off of treadmill at work...gets thrown across room, entire
store gazes at him with their deepest sympathy
-ZA falls off his imaginary treadmill and finds himself in another
dimension (I think I'm still in it :)
-Stink blows blue fog

And to continue with the broadcast...
-The ZA Shack Extra
The ZA Shack has been tidied up a bit, for the upcoming series of ZA
Fests. ZA has worked his butt off the last week to keep the place as
clean as possible. The following things were done:
ZA Garbage Changed
ZA Basement Carpet Vaccumed
In a recent interview with ZA, this is what he said:
"I've put my blood and sweat into keeping this place clean. Cleanliness
is next to Godliness you know!"

-The ZA Rink news
Everyone come to the ZA open skate Friday 7:00-8:45!!! Otherwise, ZA
mopped locker rooms with a ridiculous amount of cleaner and the entire
place is all sticky and smells like pine!

-The ZA Roadtrip news
After getting SNOW TIRES put on the ZA Mobile and new BRAKES, ZA took a
small voyage down Rocky River Reservation to observe the scenic fall
foliage. If anyone would like to attend a ZA One Tank Trip, give me a
ring! (Read between the lines - Roadtrips alone are BORING!)

-ZA Weather
Temperature remains stable at 63 Degrees, Humidity drops to 51% in the
ZA Shack. Outside, snow has appeared. That's right, if you look
outside you will see snow. Snow is white flaky $*** that comes down
when it's really cold out. Sometimes it comes down from the stars, as a
sign that graveyards are not the appropriate place to give wedding
vows. Snow tastes like really dirty water, unless it's yellow, it
tastes really salty. Red snow has a taste of it's own. If I had some
advice about snow, it is this: Never put it down a friend's back. It's
kinda funny and stuff, but after receiving two generously large black
eyes afterwords, it won't be too jesterical.

-ZA Traffic
The ZA residence was flooded on Tuesday, causing severe hydroplaning and
occasional sinkage into the soft mushy earth that lies below.

-ZA Sports
Cavs win, cavs lose, no one really cares.
Indians get sold to Dolans, no one really cares unless you are the wife
of Mr. Dolan or Mr. Jacobs. In that case, oh baby you are in for one
hell of a night!!!
BROWNS - The most spectacular play I have ever seen! Tim Couch is the
best football thrower ever! That Johnson guy is the best football
catcher ever! Go Browns, we love you! Kill modell and his Ravens
Sunday!

-ZA's Picks in Popular Music
Final Fantasy Chocobo theme seems to be #1 on the charts this week. For
a copy, please call ZA and he will play it for you! Better yet, attend
the ZA Fest Sunday and you will hear it live! It's worth the price of
admission!

-ZA's Picks in Movies
The Chase - this is a hot steamy one in some spots, kinda boring in
others.
Showgirls - This one is ok, but I can't see how some of them can stand
up straight with bowling balls as well, you know...
The Sixth Sense - Probably one of the best flicks of the summer, the
ending is what brings the entire movie together...definitely worth a
second view

-ZA Politics (New)
ZA worked at the rink Tuesday (there was voting there) and I was
bombarded with propaganda as I walked into the rink. When I mentioned I
was merely working there their faces turned and kinda gave me a really
dirty look. BTW, the former mayor of Brooklyn, Tom Coyne, lost his spot
after 52 YEARS! Wow, was that guy an old fart or what?

-ZA's Picks in Fashion & Romance
Mumus and Hoop Skirts...Include Bloomers What do you get, a really
attractive lady for da ladies' man! If you really want to go far out,
include bowling balls (you know what I mean) or should it be
watermelons? Or maybe ONE GIANT SQUASH?, and one really stretchy
bikini.

Romance time...ever wonder what to do if you're stuck at a dance with
some really ugly short fat blonde mama? Whenever she asks you
something, just stare at the really pretty one at the other side of the
room, and keep saying to yourself, "only 2 more hours to go!" she'll
think you're staring at the clock so it's all cool.

-ZA's Sidebar
Here is a poem I created:
If you were a skunk, who would be the first person you would spray?
If you were a donkey, who would be the first one you would kick?
If you were a dog, who's hydrant would you lift your leg at?
If you were a whooperwill, who would you come back to in the spring?
If you were a monkey, what balls would you play with first?
If you were a giant tortise, would you know how to get that lumbering
body into H2O?
If you were a hemaphrodite frog, would you do ********?
If you were a trap door spider, which side of the wall would you spin
your web?
If you were a giant squid, which part of the camper would you sleep?
If you were an amoeba, how many arms would you have?
If you were a monkey, and you wanted to play with another monkey's
balls, would you pilfer them outright or kindly ask them to play?
If you were Jen B., would you prefer to be buried before or after the
ceremony?

QUICK EDIT -> Notice the lack of Hot Dog jokes?

-ZA's final farewell
I'll keep this one short and sweet. And if you were offended by
anything I wrote, just remember I wrote this all in good tasted, and if
you were thinking anything dirty, GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER!

-Chris, "The ZA Meister" Czaplicki