ZA Weekly - First Installment!

Welcome to the first ever installment of the E-ZA Weekly! The first
ever electronic publication dedicated to the ZA, and fans of ZA.

In this issue, you will read about:
-The Life of ZA in 50 words or less
Well, if you were there Wednesday, you would have heard about ZA at the
tender age of 4. Here's an excerpt from the ZA diary:

February 27, 1985
"I got up and took a healthy pu pu. And a fart with blue fog."
March 4, 1985
"I was so good. I was good as life. I ate breakfast. I ate it all. I
never farted that day. I didn't pick my nose that day and didn't run
around in his underpants.

-The ZAfest tomorrow (don't miss it!)
That's right!!! ZAfest Friday, September 17, 1999 starting at 8:00 p.m.
lasting ALL NIGHT LONG!!! There's sure to be plenty of excitement in
store, so don't miss out, or you'll hang yourself in anger. Well, maybe
not but you'll miss out on a lot.

-The ZA shack extra
The Za shack was cleaned on Tuesday, September 14, 1999, and now can
capacitate 8 people comfortably (limit is 40, so don't bring too many
friends :) 7 12-packs of pepsi were purchased so there will not be a
shortage (unless I get too thirsty :) Stink is back and better than ever
but remember this: don't put her food on the floor...she freaks if you
do!

-The ZA rink news
Well, ZA will be working late night for now on (until 1 am most
weeknights), even when I've got class (tues&thurs 6-10 pm). So it looks
like i'm gonna be working 30-35 hrs/week, but that's ok since
hours=$$$$=More ZA!

-The ZA computer news
New ZA Value 6245 model being built featuring the "VIAGRA" motherboard &
more! Try a hands-on demo Friday!!! Retail value, $669.00

-The ZA roadtrip news
Sorry, lack of time has prohibited me from driving around too much in
distant counties. I guess the trips to tri-c metro are ok, but just not
as scenic. Oh well, you can't have everything!

-The ZA P. Jay's report
P.Jay's pizza tastes great!!! Especially w/extra cheese. I at P.Jays
last friday, saturday, sunday, monday, tuesday & wednesday!

-ZA Weather
Tonight, in the ZA shack, partly steamy, temperature 68 degrees,
humidity 52%. Fan is not currently running.

-ZA sports
Indians rule, but Pedro's better. And the bullpen downright sucks. And
Shuey should be the closer. The browns suck, that that's ok. The cavs
suck but no one really cares much :) ZA went to batting cages, blew
apart the 85mph machine, then went to driving range...hit a couple good
ones, but overall not a spectacular performance. Eddie hit the ball
respectable.

-ZA traffic
Lisa almost backed up the sidewalk by being the 6th car in the driveway,
but made a heroic move by going into the street.

-ZA's picks in popular music
The Letter 2 is currently working on their first album, "Innuendo and
Out the Other". Songs include "Return of the Giant Hogweed", "The
Eviscerator", and "In Limbo". Sound samples will be up soon! Be sure
to check out the best up-and-coming band at the next ZA Fest!

-ZA's picks in movies
I'd have to say the Sphere video has been the best in the last two
years. With a production budget of $14.50, it's got the greatest
entertainment value per dollar spent.

-ZA's picks in fashion & romance
Fashion design by Sarah Sloan (aka The Ugly Jenny McCarthy) is
incredibly popular right now!!! Look at what she wears...tight fitting
jeans, baby tee & of course the flowing blonde pony tail, or whatever
that means. Romance may not be in the eyes of ZA, except in fantasy,
which is in the world of it's own. In conclusion is ZA's romantic line
of the week:
ZA: Do you want to ride my spaceship?
ZA: I'll take you out of this world!

-ZA's sidebar
Will be replaced by the Joe Gag update due to potential bodily harm if I
don't. He's a netaholic on that Viagra computer of his, and hates
Eng101 and Theo101. This is who he is.

-ZA's giant squid costume tales
ZA's giant squid costume is currently stored in the ZA camper.
Therefore, it sleeps in harmony with the natural world.

-ZA's "Shoehorn w/string around it" chronicles
The ZA "shoehorn" was given out as a prize 16 times last week.

-ZA's epic battle of:
Loincloth vs. Panties one-on-one!!!
Panties duked it out with the loincloth but the loincloth won, only due
to the dangling scapular that was blessed by God (God is more powerful
than Wordsworth and Daffodils combined!)

-ZA's quote of the week:
"Guns are no more responsible for murders than spoons are responsible
for Oprah's and Rosie O'Donnells being overweight!"

NEW! The ZA FOCUS:
Every week ZA will focus on one topic and analyze it thoroughly...this
week, I will analyze SHIT. That's right, that stuff that comes out
every day (well, hopefully at least) in every form imaginable. Hope you
enjoy!

THE SHIT LIST

THE GHOST SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit on the toilet paper,
but
there's no shit in the bowl.


THE CLEAN SHIT
The kind where you feel shit come out, see shit in the bowl, but
there's no shit on the toilet paper.


THE WET SHIT
You wipe your ass fifty times and it still feels unwiped. So you
end up putting toilet paper between your ass and your underwear so you
don't ruin them with those dreadful skid marks.


THE SECOND WAVE SHIT
This shit happenes when you've finished, your pants are up to your
knees, and you suddenly realize you have to shit some more.


THE BRAIN HEMORRAHAGE THROUGH YOUR NOSE SHIT
Also known as "Pop a Vein in your Forehead Shit".
You have to strain so much to get it out that you turn purple and
practically have a stroke.


THE CORN SHIT
No explanation necessary.


THE LINCOLN LOG SHIT
The kind of shit that's so enormous you're afraid to flush it down
without first breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.


THE NORORIUS DRINKER SHIT
The kind of shit you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the tread mark left on the bottom of
the toilet bowl after you flush.


THE "GEE, I REALLY WISH I COULD SHIT" SHIT-
The kind where you want to shit, but even after straining your guts
out, all you can do is sit on the toilet, cramped and farting.


THE WET CHEEKS SHIT
Also known as the "Power Dump". That's the kind that comes out of
your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.


THE LIQUID SHIT
That's the kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt, splashes all over the side of the toilet bowl and, at the same
time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.



THE MEXICAN FOOD SHIT
A class all its own.


THE CROWD PLEASER
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have
to show it to someone before flushing.


THE MOOD ENHANCER
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, thereby
allowing you to be your old self again.


THE RITUAL
This shit occurs at the same time each day and is accomplished with
the aid of a newspaper.


THE GUINNESS BOOK OF RECORDS SHIT
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations.


THE AFTERSHOCK SHIT
This shit has an odour so powerful than anyone entering the
vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.


THE "HONEYMOON'S OVER" SHIT
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.


THE GROANER
A shit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.


THE FLOATER
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to
resurface after many flushings.


THE RANGER
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage
in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is
to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.


THE PHANTOM SHIT
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit to
putting it there.


THE PEEK-A-BOO SHIT
Now you see it, now you don't. This shit is playing games with
you. Requires patience and muscle control.


THE BOMBSHELL
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either
inappropriate to shit (ie. during lovemaking or a root canal) or
you are nowhere near shitting facilities.


THE SNAKE CHARMER
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil itself into a
frightening position - usually harmless.


THE OLYMPIC SHIT
This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any
competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to
the
Drinker's Shit.


THE BACK-TO-NATURE SHIT
This shit may be of any variety but is always deposited either in
the woods or while hiding behind the passenger side of your car.


THE PEBBLES-FROM-HEAVEN SHIT
An adorable collection of small turds in a cluster, often a gift
from God when you actually CAN'T shit.


PREMEDITATED SHIT
Laxative induced. Doesn't count.


SHITZOPHERENIA
Fear of shitting - can be fatal!


ENERGIZER vs DURACELL SHIT
Also known as a "Still Going" shit.


THE POWER DUMP SHIT
The kind that comes out so fast, you barely get your pants down
when you're done. Also causes excessive splashing off water onto your
buttcheeks


THE LIQUID PLUMBER SHIT
This kind of shit is so big it plugs up the toilet and it overflows
all over the floor. (You should have followed the advice from the
Lincoln Log Shit.)


THE SPINAL TAP SHIT
The kind of shit that hurts so much coming out, you'd swear it's
got to be coming out sideways.


THE "I THINK I'M GIVING BIRTH THROUGH MY ASSHOLE" SHIT
Similar to the Lincoln Log and The Spinal Tap Shits. The shape and
size of the turd resembles a tall boy beer can. Vacuous air space
remains in the rectum for some time afterwards.


THE PORRIDGE SHIT
The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just keeps on coming.
You have two chooces: (a) flush and keep gong, or (b) risk it piling up
to your butt while you sit there helpless.


THE "I'M GOING TO CHEW MY FOOD BETTER" SHIT
When the bag of Dorritos you ate last night lacerates the insides
of your rectum on the way out in the morning.


THE "I THINK I'M TURNING INTO A BUNNY" SHIT
When you drop lots of cute, little round ones that look like
marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they hit the water.


THE "WHAT THE HELL DIED IN HERE?" SHIT
Also sometimes referred to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't
warn anyone of the poisonous bathroom odour. Instead, you stand
innocently near the door and enjoy the show as they run out gaggin and
gasping
for air.


THE "I JUST KNOW THERE'S A TURN STILL DANGLING THERE" SHIT
Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last cling-on
to drop off because if you wipe now, it's going to smear all over the
place.

Hope you Enjoyed!
-Chris, "The ZA Meister" Czaplicki

It's sure to be an ordeal of immense proportions!

But here's the catch:
You've got to come to the ZA house tomorrow at 12 Noon to get the
lowdown on it all! Since the ZA work schedule prohibits me from any
nighttime activities, the house must be cleared by 5 pm, or else local
authorities will be notified. Any questions? Call the ZA house at
(440)884-9267 for further details.

Hope to see y'all there!
-Chris "The ZA Meister" Czaplicki